Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: PlayStation is No Longer the King of Porn

Damn it, Sony. We were fine with you giving the Vita the middle finger, and leaving it to die a slow and useless death. You did it stealthily, first just pretending not to hear our pleas for, y'know, a game or two on this thing please? Now, you've abandoned the pretense entirely and erased it from history, burning down the sweatshop that built them and sending out hit squads of trained monkey assassins after anybody who ever dares mention the system again.

All of this, we were cool with. But you guys were the kings of console porn, and you let that glorious title slip away. This is unforgivable, right here.

Let's recap. Back in August, PornHub declared PS3 the most popular console used to access their... pantsless productions. They used actual science (pie charts and everything; you don't eff with pie charts) to tell us this, so the power of their fact-tastic couldn't be denied. This could've been the dawn of a new era, a brave new world of PlayStation and porn collaborating and taking over the world as our forefathers intended.

Sony could've retooled their slogans, old and new, accordingly. This is for the players (to wank over). Or perhaps It does everything (except anal). The possibilities were endless. But instead, they shirked this noble duty.

This week, it was PornHub infographic time again, and the tables have turned. ‘While Xbox and PS4 are both still the porn console (pornsole?) of choice,'Kotaku reports, ‘there's been a massive change year-on-year, with Xbox up 70 per cent and PlayStation down 37 per cent.' 1.1% of enterprising wankers are still watching on 3DS, for some reason, while the Wii has experienced a similar growth to the Xbox. Nintendo often talk about trying to attract the hardcore crowd, but they probably didn't mean it in the bondage sense.

I don't know what to make of any of this, but one thing's certain: everything is better with porn in it.