Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Starfox 64

Happy birthday, N64, you ol' gray bastard!

Well, yes, if you're going to be pernickety, we missed the party a bit. The console hit these United States of ours eighteen years ago last Tuesday.

But hey, nuts to birthdays. They're no big deal. I forgot my wife's birthday last year, and she forgave me just fine. Well, forgave, divorced, one of the two. I forget. But we're getting off topic. We're here today to pay homage to one of the N64‘s finest offerings: Starfox 64.

In other territories, this spacetastic shooter was known by the fancy-ass subtitle Lylat Wars, but the generic ‘64' on the end there works as well. If it's good enough for Mario, why the eff not? The game arrived in 1997, a reboot of the SNES's earlier Star Fox. Let's join Fox McCloud, Falco Lombardi, Peppy Hare and that asshole toad nobody likes and take a look.

Think of this as Star Wars, only with the cast replaced by anthropomorphic woodland creatures (if you're listening, George Lucas, that sounds freaking awesome, get on it). It's the story of Andross, mad scientist and general crazy bastard. He initiates an attack on the Lylat system, which draws the heroic attentions of the Star Fox dudes. The intergalactic A-Team are on the case.

Which means a heaping helping of rail shooting goodtimes. Levels take place across the various planets of the galaxy, and you're usually piloting Fox's rather sexy Arwing. Through meteor showers and general boring-ass dark spacey backdrops, all manner of laser-shootin' justice has to be dispensed.

And it's dispensed in style. The controls are wonderfully smooth, allowing you to pull off fancy moves like u-turns and the infamous barrel rolls with ease. It's like you've been flying tiny piss-poor looking 3D spacecraft around the cosmos your whole life.

On second thoughts, let's retract that ‘piss-poor' crack. It looks like ass today, sure, but that's not the point. In 1997, the presentation was the dog's scrote (where I come from, that's a good thing). With memorable music and a damn good early stab at 3D, this was a mightily impressive package. Most importantly of all, in terms of the gameplay itself.

Starfox 64 brought us a cinematic storyline, and the option of branching paths to the final boss. This was great for replayability, as you'd need to return again to try your hand at the stages you bypassed. Each was suitably varied, too, with some giving you the chance to ride Fox's Landmaster tank instead. Y'know, if all the aerial combat had left your poor, overwhelmed brain leaking out of your ears.

Early in the 3DS's life, one of its most ball-bustingly anticipated releases was the Starfox 64 3D remake. This arrived over a decade after the critically-acclaimed original, and its gameplay still holds up remarkably well. Testament to the title's quality; and to Nintendo's zeal to suck every drop of dollartastic from their past. But mostly to its quality.

Slippy's still a dick, though.