The Cost To Commit To Gwyneth’s Goop Cult

Gwyneth Paltrow is lucky she isn’t from Salem and this isn’t the 1600s. The woman is obviously a witch. She magically switches careers from actress to full-time social media influencer and somehow pretends it’s a promotion. If you look closer and read in-between the lines you can see clues that she runs a cult. She went off the deep end and she’s taking with her all persons dumb enough to drown in pounds of goop. Rule number one when you’re the leader of a modern cult is to never openly admit that your online loyal flock of followers are actually members of your cult. Call them fans. Rule number two is extremely important and is known as the Jim Jones rule. Don’t provide your flock with poisonous Kool-Aid that can kill them, sell them expensive shit instead. It’s better for everyone in the end.

Taking advice from her website isn’t enough for some of her fans, Paltrow created an in-person experience.  This past year, Paltrow hosted her first Goop Health Summits in L.A. in New York, which Goop fans paid between $600 and $2000 to attend. The event entailed massages, manicures and essential oil therapy sessions using, of course, natural products from Uma and Côte.

Also at the event, were Goop-approved snacks, along with the opportunity to participate in seminars and workout classes focused on maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Making yourself beautiful never comes cheap but $600-$2000 just for a 45-year-old Paltrow to hand out gift baskets full of quinoa and Lush bath bombs is ridiculous. I’d rather spend that money to be front stage at one of the parties Paris Hilton was paid to DJ at. She strikes me as a woman that never leaves home without forgetting to put on underwear. A chance at a glance of fully uncensored Hilton fur-burger while she plays deep house hits is a way better way to spend 2 grand than anything Gwyneth can give in return. Hope she keeps all of her goop to herself from now on or starts offering some kind of discount.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News / Getty Images