Does Bigfoot Have A Small Wiener?

It is a fact of science that Bigfoot is one hard hairy fool to find. Unless you hit one with your car and take him home only to befriend him but then you have to send him back to the forest because it's for his own good, you will probably never see one. Most people think that it is because Bigfoots, (Bigfeet?), are just lonely creatures trying to steer clear of dangerous humans. But what if the reason that we can only view Bigfoot through heavy brush is because he's ashamed of his tiny wang?

Primatologist Natalia Reagan thinks so. According to her, most primates have teeny weeny peenies. Gorillas, for example, only have 2.5 inch peens. She says,

"If you want to know about Bigfoot's wang, you really should understand the wangs of other primates that you think Bigfoot is like. If you think Bigfoot is a large-bodied primate, like a gorilla or an orangutan -- and a lot of Squatchers think Bigfoot is a descendant of gigantopithecus (or giganto-dick-ecus, if you want) -- gorillas and orangutans actually have a quite small manhood."

Jesus. I would hide out in the Pacific Northwest too.