Ben Affleck Failing Miserably At Rehab

Some of the greatest advice I ever received from an instructor in my life was to be the best at whatever it is you’re involved in. Even if you’re a terrible person. Everyone knows who Hitler is, but no one ever remembers the name of an inmate doing 20 years for half-assing a home invasion. That guy isn’t getting multiple movies made about him years later. That’s why I believe Ben Affleck is going for broke with this alcohol addiction thing. He’s trying really hard to be the best at being the worst. It’s almost impressive how much he’s Afflecking things up. He's flushed every good thing in his life down the toilet. Meanwhile I can’t get the condom I used on the hooker at 7-11 to flush but somehow Ben slam dunked his acting career and a marriage to Jennifer Garner in there. Nothing but Sprite sponsored 10s across the board from me. He’s like Midas of excrement, everything he touches turns to shit.

As you may have heard, Ben Affleck checked into rehab for the third time last month. The decision to seek treatment came on the heels of an epic bender and an intervention staged by Jennifer Garner. You know the situation is bad when your estranged wife you seems to want nothing to do with you feels the need to swoop in and save your life. She acted on behalf of her children because she really thought their dad might die.

You may have heard the many reports about Ben leaving rehab. And you may have been confused by the subsequent reports about Ben returning to rehab. You're right to be baffled, as no one has ever done rehab like this in the history of rehab. As it turns out Ben leaves the facility several times a week in order to work out at his home gym. He then heads back to the treatment center in time for lights out.

It's worth noting that during his time at home Ben is usually visited by Shauna Sexton, his 22-year-old Playboy model girlfriend. The extent to which Ben is half-assing what was supposed to be a life-saving rehab stint is so ridiculous that it's hard to believe. But folks, this is no mere tabloid gossip -- earlier today, Ben's reps essentially confirmed that he spends the lion's share of his "treatment" time just chillin' out at home.

Ben treating rehab like rehab needs Ben instead of Ben needing rehab won’t end well. He’s mistaking help for one of his women. You can’t just check-in whenever you feel like and sweet talk your way to sobriety. I guarantee if anyone cared to check the CCTVs within a four mile radius of his house they would see the only work Ben is doing on his biceps comes from lifting full pilsner glasses at happy hour instead of at his home gym like he promised.

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