Because Sometimes Gigantic Flying Turds are Your Worst Enemy: Here’s ‘Toilet Kids’

The realm of the ancient, decrepit scroll-y shooter is a bizarre one indeed. In the Eighties, awful arcade ballache Twinbee saw us piloting an odd little craft with stumpy Tyrannosaurus Rex-esque arms; shooting several shades of shit out of marauding fruit and/or kitchen implements. It was a little like a scene from one of those peculiar dreams our subconscious occasionally plucks from Satan's undercarriage and thrusts before our bewildered eyeballs (although everyone kept their pants on in this instance).

There are a myriad of other examples, but only one of them features such nefarious enemies as urinals that fire piss-bullets at us. As such, naturellement, it's the only one worth hearing about. Cork your ass and clench, then, because here comes Toilet Kids.

You presumably won't tie your nuts in a knot in amazement to learn that this is another product of Japan. Those wacky funsters are the undisputed masters of wang-waving weird, and this is certainly that, right here. First and foremost, the subtle nuances and intricacies of the plot rivals brain-breakers like the Da Vinci Code (sans craptacular Tom Hanks hairpiece). Except it doesn't. Complex explains the premise thusly: ‘Basically, a kid wakes up in the middle of the night to drop a deuce, but then he gets sucked into a magical world where he's under assault by fecal matter.'

What more do we need to know? Nothing, that's what. This information alone is surely enough to declare this ‘game of the year' for 1992, the year it arrived -leaving a great skidmark in toilet bowls across the Orient, presumably- on the Turbografx 16. Not to mention game of every goddamn year since.

The gameplay, in and of itself, is rather conventional. If, y'know, you demurely avert your eyes from the cavorting genie with a huge purple shit on his head who adorns the main menu screen. Plus, indeed, the fact that you emerge on stage one from within the depths of a vast WC. The backdrop at the beginning (as you'll see in the clip below) is oddly standard issue, with the usual island-y/jungle-y area -a la Xevious- segueing into an underwater stage in the next segment. Attack patterns and waves and suchlike are as they should be too; Toilet Kids' only minor slip-up was to inadvertently send furious hordes of shits, dicks and pig-spiders with huge asses that propel turd-bombs from their snouts to murderise us in lieu of the more appropriate aliens or mutants or suchlike.

It's an easy mistake for a games designer to make. "You wanted a couple of regular alien spacecraft? I thought you saidbig ol' furious living missile-thing in the form of a massive erection.My bad."

In summation, Toilet Kids is most disturbing and/or entertaining when an unsuspecting unfortunate with no clue what they've let their fragile minds in for is indulging. Behold NecroVMX below, for instance, and his befuddled cries of "Oh my God, there's turds! Do I pick up the turds, or... I bomb the turds?" and "What's that, a wiener? Was that a wiener? I think those are wieners."

Source of images: sockmonkeysound.