Bad Movies I’ve Seen On Airplanes: “The Lone Ranger”

I've spent the last two weeks in India and I can honestly say I've been changed by the experience. I have seen human suffering the likes of which I never thought possible. No, I'm not talking about the poverty and disease that afflict the good people of India. I'm referring to the film selection on United Airlines international flights. The list of movies is a litany of mediocrity and horror the likes of which I haven't seen in many years. But what can you do if you can't sleep? It's a 14 hour flight for Shiva's sake! You are compelled, nay forced, to pick from the crap. One of my choices was the $hitacularly bad The Lone Ranger.

Who thought that a movie with this many explosions and blatant racism could be so boring? A fourth of the movie literally takes place in a friggin' diorama in which an old Tonto talks to a little kid. Much has been said about the red-face Native American routine Johnny Depp put on. Honestly, it's his take on Tonto as a complete and total moron that I find most offensive. Tonto is supposed to be a wise spirit warrior and not an idiot that feeds a dead bird on his head. Depp plays Tonto with a combination of his previous performances as Hunter S. Thompson, Captain Jack Sparrow, and the wooden Indian at a cigar shop. Armie Hammer isn't much better as The Lone Ranger. He's dumber than both of the Winklevoss twins put together and is totally useless in a fight. I'm not sure what the filmmakers are trying to do. Rather than do the usual post-modern take in which the once perfect hero is shown as flawed, these two are shown as comical douchebags. Then there is The Lone Ranger's horse Silver. He wears a hat, he drinks beer, and generally does all kinds of people stuff. I can only assume this was added to amused the unwashed masses that get the majority of their entertainment from videos of cats wearing sweaters.

Don't see this movie. It's not "so bad it's good", it's just bad. It's like getting kicked in the testicles for two and a half hours.