Awesomely Horrible Netflix Instant Films: Alexander

Alexander the Great is one of the most important figures in human history. The story of how he conquered most of Europe and much of Asia by the time he was 32 is legendary. And yet there has never been a good movie made about Alexander. Hopes were high when Oliver Stone announced that he was going to direct a version of Alexander's story starring Colin Farrell. Unfortunately, this too was vanity.

Colin Farrell and his hair highlights star as the young prince of Macedonia who inherits his throne from his abusive father Phillip, (played in scene chomping glory by Val Kilmer), after he is assassinated. His mother, inexplicably played by Angelina Jolie, encourages his belief that he is the son of Zeus and destined for greatness. It shows, through a series of flashbacks told by his general Ptolemy (played by Anthony Hopkins),  the story of how Alexander conquered North Africa, the middle east, and part of India. It also shows him having a wild sex scene with Rosario Dawson even though the real Alexander was very much gay. Still, it almost makes the movie worth watching. Almost. 

Who would have thought that a movie about a world conqueror who thought he was a god would be so boring? But that's what it is: boring. The only reason to watch this movie, (including the aforementioned Rosario Dawson sex scene), is precisely to see how bad it is. For example, at one point Val Kilmer tells Alexander, "They say that Phillip was a good king, but Alexander is great!" Blech.