Ask Bill, Volume I

Wherein Egotastic! editor and part-time furniture salesman, Bill Swift, gets sober for a day and answers the questions that matter to you the most, even if for entirely dumb reasons.

Some questions he answers publicly for the general good, some in heart-warming confidential responses, and some are just too idiotic to deserve a response at all, like the ones his dad keeps sending him about new things to try with his mom in bed. 'One in the stink', dad? Really? That's just so wrong.

Bill, what is your least favorite nipple type? -- Mike

The ones attached to dudes.

Why do I love boobs so much? -- Eldon

Because it's the very basis for the survival of your species. When a baby is born, it has only one desire, to wrap its suckling mouth around an engorged funbag and feed. Babies can't even see their mother's face when they're born, but they can smell boobs.

As if that wasn't enough, Mother Nature gave men an instinctive ongoing sexual attraction to women's breasts. Did you know that the human female is the only mammal to have enlarged breasts even when not needed to feed an offspring? They are specifically built for sexual attraction, mating, and the continuation of the species. You can no longer stop loving boobs anymore than you can decide to stop breathing, so, take a breath, and, enjoy.

Where's the best place to pick up a woman at and what's a great pick up line to use once I'm there? -- Kevin.

The bank. Go to your branch, withdraw every single dollar in every account you can possibly empty, drive to the next closest branch, go inside, hold the bill roll in your hands, and announce aloud next to the hottest lady you can find, 'Don't you just get sick of having to make big cash deposits in the branch?' See what the does for your love life.

If you do an hermaphrodite, doggy style, and you don't giver her/him a reach around. Is it still gay? -- Dennis.

Yes.

I am a man! How the hell should I put aside my instinct to desire women? -- Antonio


Being a guy in the modern world is seen by much of the world as inherently indecent. Every dude in a commercial or movie is either the clueless dad or the dumb husband or the dimwitted teen boy. I suppose it's the pendulum swinging far back from the great run guys had for so many years, the Cave Men through Mad Men days. Now, we're on defense. Personally, you need to suck it up, quit trying to fight the tide, and pick and choose your battles. While men no longer rule, there are still rules to being a man.

Do you think chest hair shaving will ever become the norm for men? -- Moe

Not in a world I want to live in. Unless you're creepy hairy, leave yourself alone. And if a woman tells you she prefers your body to be hairless, she probably likes girls more than guys and you're in for a rough road regardless. So dump her, then your body razor.

Hi, Bill. How many times a day do you masturbate? -- Onkel


Your question implies that at some point there's a break.

Are pornos from sites college rules and dare dorm real people making home made movies or directed films meant to look amatuer? -- ML

I think you already know the answer to this. But it doesn't mean you can't enjoy it just the same. When your girlfriend puts on glasses and tells you to shoosh or you're going to be sent to the principal's office, she's not really a naughty school teacher, she's just pretending. But it can still be hella fun.

Can the Millenium Falcon make the kessel run in under four parsecs? - Y.M.


C'mon, even a level seven Star Wars nerd knows that a parsec is a unit of distance, not time. Han Solo was bragging out of the side of his Wookiee.

I'd like to know which celebrity you think, who has been featured on this site, has the most attractive asstastic? Maybe your top 5 asstastic list? -- Samuel

Okay, I hate lists, but you did ask nicely, but to make this more interesting, I'm going to give you my current favorites by age brackets:

18+: Kate Upton, 20's: Irina Shayk, 30's: Maria Menounos, 40's: Jennifer Lopez, 50's: Amaparo Grisales (you may not remember her, but I can't ever forget, the 50+ year old Colombian soap star.)

Is it wrong to masturbate 2 or 3 (maybe a few more) times a day while watching pictures of Rihanna, Katy Perry or Miranda Kerr in your web site? M.Z.

Only if you're still using the computer at the public library, M.Z..

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You can send your questions to 'Ask Bill' via the site Contact Us page.