Anderson Cooper Probably Already On To New Pooper

He is the art expert.... I'm the complainer who wants to take naps.

A post shared by andersoncooper (@andersoncooper) on May 27, 2017 at 2:52pm PDT

Celebrities are smug about their relationships right up until the point that they're sneaking in parking lot face fucks with their side hos or staying up at night staring at their snoring, ever-widening soulmate and wondering how one really does get away with murder. Once celebs realize that they can't get it up for their partners, they release a joint statement saying world peace, unicorns, rainbows, I need to get my ass sucked and my current partner isn't getting the job done, or whatever, and then they repeat the cycle over and over again until they're simply happy to be physically falling apart like Angelina Jolie.

Anderson Cooper is the latest celebrity to tell his less famous and rich boyfriend to jump off a bridge. He and Benjamin Maisani - a "nightclub mogul" also known as a "guy who roofies underage go-go dancers" - split after nine years together, but are still living in their Manhattan condo. But fear not for the privileged Vanderbilt would-be heiress Cooper. He's allegedly already moved on to a Texas doctor, which I assume translates to a Manhattan gas station cashier, and has been posing with this guy, Victor Lopez, on social media. Cooper released this statement:

Benjamin and I separated as boyfriends some time ago. We are still family to each other, and love each other very much.

Yeah, fake news. Celebrities have way too much handed to them to make the necessary sacrifices needed to commit to one taint for the rest of their lives. But if they weren't so shallow and awful, we'd have way less to write about, so I guess we should thank the celebs that delude themselves into thinking they can be in a committed relationship only to ditch their soulmate for an upgraded holemate. Who has five-hundred-thousand thank you cards.

Photo Credit: Instagram, TMZ