Amy Schumer Is Pregnant

 

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About to announce some exciting news on @jessicayellin insta page. Please follow her for up to the minute #newsnotnoise she breaks down what’s really going on. She agreed to post a lil noise today for me! Follow her and VOTE!!

A post shared by @ amyschumer on Oct 22, 2018 at 1:26pm PDT

It's confirmed. Someone engaged sexually with Amy Schumer. And it wasn't even Louis C.K. Schumer's surprisingly not-hideous husband miraculously was able to see her naked without doing this, and something about either her emasculating joyless personality or amorphous form excited him enough to explode a baby into her pussy. And that's where babies come from. Hell.

Schumer was unable to announce her pregnancy like a normal human being, and instead rolled out the news on Instagram in conjunction with the political site newsnotnoise.org. It was basically an #ad. But nobody got anything. She initially posted a photo of her and hubby Chris Fischer's faces copied and pasted onto the bodies of recently (and more famously) preggers Meghan Markle and Prince Harry with the caption:

About to announce some exciting news on @jessicayellin insta page. Please follow her for up to the minute #newsnotnoise she breaks down what’s really going on. She agreed to post a lil noise today for me! Follow her and VOTE!!

Jessica Yellin - who runs News Not Noise - posted Schumer's midterm voting picks. And at the very bottom of the Notes screencap seen on Yellin's Instagram Story, is the horrifying, ominous line "I'm pregnant-Amy Schumer." As if this all wasn't enough confirmation that the end is near, Schumer released an official (and hilarious!) statement to the Los Angeles Times:

Chris and I are thrilled and almost positive he's the father. I look forward to competing with Markle every step of the way.

Wow. How is she always on. And how do I turn her off.

Photo Credit: Instagram