Russian Meteorite Is Harbinger Of The End…For Real This Time

A meteorite streaked across the sky and crashed near a town in central nowhere Russia. Lots of people were hurt by falling glass from buildings due to the shock waves. The meteor was captured in the friggin' scary video above. NASA nerds are saying that this meteor has nothing to do with the giant asteroid that is coming within 17,000 miles of Earth in a few days. Suuuuurrrree. That meteor is the size of two football fields. Look, I know I predicted that the world was going to end in December with our Dispatches from the Apocalypse series, but this time it might actually be game over, man. Remember that a similar asteroid impact killed off the dinosaurs. I don't know if you've been to a museum and seen a dinosaur, but they were a lot tougher than us. Of course the NASA nerds are saying that the big meteor isn't going to kill us all. They don't want to start a worldwide panic. Just in case the end is nigh, we suggest you spend the next few days boning and drinking. There is no single malt scotch or sex in heaven.