Well, we know Jordan Carver does not like revealing herself fully, but we do know she likes to tease the heck out of the males of the species with her enormous globes, some very sexy outfits, a striptease down to the hand-bra, and a whole lot of skin. I know there comes a point at which we must demand to see it all, in fact, my 837 IMs to Jordan with nothing but the words, 'Show Us Your Boobies' ought to testify to my own desire on that front, and I suspect, at some point, this will happen. But, for the moment, I have to consider the wishes of the lady to bare almost all, but not all of her bodacious form as in this black lingerie masterpiece from Jordan's own collection.

It is possible she just really really loves to hold her own thunderous flesh puppies. I know I would. I really wood, err, would. Enjoy.

credit: JordanCarver.com

JORDAN CARVER BLACK AND WHITES WILL MAKE  YOU BLUE ALL OVER

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By day, it's sexy photoshoots with some nice badonkadonk protruding poses, by evening it's dolled up in hot orange and glamorous, and flashing her panties getting out of her limousin. I'd call that a full day for the Aussie veteran hottie, Nicole Kidman.

And a full day for us peepers spying on the various bodily and pantily parts of this statuesque thespianic, not known for her strictly sexual posing, a serious type, but we have often gotten serious about our feelings for her good looks regardless. Ever since she got out of the dry hump of a marriage with Tom and started getting shtupped by the country music dude, she has really perked up in the perkiness department. And, now, the flashing arena too. Thank for you a lovely day, Nicole. Enjoy. 

Okay, I can't tell you how many letters we get pleading with us for more coverage of Asian celebrities and we usually write back a kind, thoughtful response about the loose mother and questionable heritage of the reader, because we're more nasty than we are responsive. We simply don't cover much of the Asian celebrity market, the TV or films or magazines, but when we do receive a copy of Young Animal magazine featuring both manga and hot girls, it's not like we're not going to peruse it.

The  20-year old Ai Shinozaki has something of a cult following over in Japan, a groovy big-loaved bit of hotness who sings and models and puts out lots of media of herself, well, singing, and modeling, and all-around just looking sweet and hot, without showing the full monty. But the half monty is pretty damn hot. Take a look at these photos of Ai from the current edition of Young Animal magazine and see if you too think it might be time for a little sextastic Asian-invasion on Egotastic! Enjoy.

I don't even know what this party is for, but it was hella fancy. Even by Cannes Film Festival standards. It featured not one, but two heiresses flashing their bodies, Tamara Ecclestone and Billionaire Barbie, and, I guess Nicky Hilton was there too but she's so boring I fell asleep trying to find her. Throw in Heidi Klum, Victoria Silvstedt, Irina Shayk, and Kelly Brook, oh, and a bunch of old dudes with tuxedos and sick amounts of cash, and you have a veritable casbah of celebrity hotness transplanted right there last night on the Mediterranean.

Yeah, I'm never going to get invited to parties like this, and even sneaking in will be tough due to  my hyperextended left nut, but, when there is ogling to be done, you've got to play through the pain.

WE'RE STILL NOT SURE HOW TAMARA ECCLESTONE DIDN"T FLASH HER NIPS

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White wife beater. Showing off the black mesh bra. Tight red pants. Yep, Gwen Stefani is moving closer and closer back into sweet hot sextastic rocker chick mode. She's casting aside the diapers and slapping on the G-string for what ought to be an upcoming twelve months cycle of album release and promotional appearance tour that sees Gwen bouncing, crotch-grabbing, and twisting her body delightfully on stage once more.

Now, paying the lady down the block to pretend to be my third  grade teacher Ms. Bullware and spanking me for talking out in class, that's the wrong kind of living in the past, but imagining Gwen back on stage in little sexy outfits and limber moves, is there anything really wrong with that?

I'm STILL LIVING IN ThE WEB SHE'S SPINNING

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Wow, it seems like Alyssa Campanella just took over as Miss USA, but, already twelve months have passed and it's time to give up the title and the crown. But what a reign she had, who can forget that time she... or the moment she...., well, what about her promise of world....? Okay, so I can't remember crap about anything she's done since she won the title last year . And, up until yesterday's Miss USA promo party where Alyssa gave viewers a nice shot of her dangling boobtastic down her top, well, I had completely forgotten about her.

But, as they say in showbiz, make a grand entrance, have a big exit and most people will forget what came in between. Well, done Alyssa. Enjoy.

THE BIKINI PORTION OF THE MISS USA PAGEANTS MAKES IT SOLID VIEWING

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Nicole Scherzinger flashes serious sideboob at another MIB 3 premiere. (COED)

Ashley Benson wants the naughty girl role in 50 Shades of Grey. (HuffPo)

Kristen Stewart defends her backseat three-way in the Jack Kerouac movie. (FoxNews)

A college girl flaunts major cleavetastic. (CollegeHumor)

Kylie Minogue performs on tour in tiny cutoff shorts. (Idolator)

Carrie Underwood proves that a country girl in a short skirt is a good thing. (Celebslam)

Rihanna kissing Rita Ora teases us into hoping there's more where that came from. (GossipOnThis)

Yep, there's just something about those genes. Either you got 'em or you don't. Hey, if everybody in the world got the good looking DNA, it'd be somewhat boring I say. I'd miss the hunt of spotting the likes of Sarah Margaret Qualley, seventeen year old daughter of veteran supermodel Andie MacDowell, and a girl who inherited a shitload of good looks.

Sarah Margaret has already booked some major league magazine shoots and pictorials, and you can bet her market is already climbing. Striding down the street in her short dress in N.Y.C. yesterday, you could get a decent hint at why this 17 year old is going to be big time for several years to come (as opposed to say 17-year old Courtney Stodden, whose fifteen minute bell is about to be rung). Enjoy.

SARAH MARGARET GOT HER FIRST BIG SHOOT LAST YEAR IN EUROPE AT 16

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Sarah Margaret's older sister Rainey Qualley ain't not hotness slouch either:

I guess that'd be Spanish-Hungarian style. Kind of like paprika. Since Eniko Mihalik, one of our be-lusted Euro supermodels hails from the fine nation of Hungary which seems to be creating more world class models by the day.

Now, I won't go into detail about having to put my hair in curlers to sneak into Donja's Fondue House and Beauty Parlor down the block to swipe this month's edition of Harper's Bazaar Spain, because all my tranny stories stay tucked deep in the closet until the day my badly abused personal assistant is cured of her Stockholm Syndrome and writes her tell-all book. But, let's just say, I went the extra mile. A worthwhile mile considering the hotness of Eniko Mihalik, who obliged us back with a couple topless shots that are like the icing on the cake, and, I mostly just like to eat the icing.

Hungarian hotties on the movie, lookout world! Enjoy.

OH, ENIKO, HOW WE'D LIKE TO PLUCK YOUR FLOWERS AND TRIM YOUR BUSH (WHAT?)

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I'm not sure where Jennifer Love Hewitt was headed in that cleave-baring dress, could be anywhere, I think she flashes major boobage even just going to grab her mail, it's her thing, and we lust her for it.

The Client List actress was spotted just outside her home in a red dress that could either be described as 'killer' or 'that thing that you are now removing with your mental powers', but either way, it flattered the tremendous curves of the TV thespianic with the world-renowned fun bags. Now if only...oh, dare to dream alright. Enjoy.

JLH NEVER FALLS SHORT WHEN IT COMES TO BEING A TALL DRINK OF CLEAVAGE

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Admittedly, Kate Upton doesn't have a film industry reason to be in Cannes, but who would like to be the first to stand up and complain? Not I.

The ridiculously en fuego bombshell model got all decked out and dolled up and boobtastic in a little black number for the Cannes premiere of On The Road, and what a sextastic road she paved. We don't often get to see Kate Upton fully-dressed, and I'm certainly not endorsing this policy in the least, but I think we can now all say for sure that the super hot model looks killer even with her britches on. Enjoy.

Who's ready for a little blonde on blonde violence? No, it's not bombshells Staci Noblett and Rhian Sugden hurting each other, it's our reader-voters who will likely be manually manipulating themselves into need of medical attention as they ever so carefully determine this week's winner in the Page 3 battle of the boobtastic.

But how can one decide between such two, nay, four luscious ripe melons? Is it the size? The shape? Certainly the taste test would be the kicker, though that technology is not currently available and, please, for the love of electricity, don't lick your monitors. It's truly like picking pillows, ever man has different tastes, and there's no true way to know if you like them until you spend at least one evening with your face buried in them. Enjoy.

Here's the thing, if even you have publicly expressed your own self-recognition that you have no particular talents, heading to the Cannes Film Festival, which as snooty and pretentious as it can be, in the very least is a celebration of artistic talent, well, you're gonna have to make up for it somehow. Distract people from your lack of talent so as to possibly explain your presence. Kind of like when I used to show up at the girls gym showers and pretended that I was just there to drop off the towels and didn't know anybody was inside. Well, for Kim Kardashian, her go to cover is uncovering her big balloons, as she did in a low cut outfit as she hit the swank yacht parties in Cannes with future fake husband number four, Kanye West.

And, dontcha know, if we looked hard enough, and we did look hard enough, when you're exposing your flesh puppies to extensive degrees is your prime directive, slips will occur. As they did for Kim, flashing a bit of the nipple that will someday be nourishing her adopted Malawian baby for the reality show cameras. Oh, to be n the South of France, where the champagne runs freely and Kim's funbags are unleashed. C'est la vie. 

'MEMBER HOW KIM SHOWED OFF HER TOP AFTER WHITNEY DIED?

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Oh, you sad, hot, hot, sad, self-publishing celebrity hottie fools. How we revel in your abandon. And your photos from vacations, home, cars, wherever you and your camera and your Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr accounts take you. We do so love this trend.

This week's Sextastic Twitpic Roundup includes some real doozies of a show, including Miley Cyrus with another one of her patented see-through tees, Rosie Jones on holiday and barely covering her assets, the underrated Arianny Celeste in a bikini, Selena Gomez also in a bikini and looking special hot, the precocious Jenner sisters hugging one out, and so much more goodness. You owe it to yourself and to your community to check these puppies out. Enjoy.

Let us today give thanks to the gloriously MILFtastic moms out there who make like that much more worth living, starting from pubescent boys and their neighbor lady fantasies up to, and never ending, for men with a thing for hot mamas, heaven sent beauties like Nicole Kidman who not only has it still going on, but whose rumpside yesterday in Cannes single-handedly caused 1,000 Frenchmen to uncross their legs and lower their lattes to the table.

Nicole Kidman worked the red carpet yesterday at Cannes for some kind of photoshoot, and looked every penny's worth a million bucks as she showed that the veteran hotties not only have plenty of sextastic to give, they got some old-school moves that many a hot young thang doesn't know the least bit about. How could one not feel an instinctive desire to offer up a playful slap of that booty? Or, maybe that's just me (but I highly doubt it). Enjoy.

OH, MOMMY. YOU COULD GIVE A BOY SOME BAD THOUGHTS

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I'll say this, the underaged bride does not go quietly into the night.

Now, I know there are many of you that say that if we all simply turn away from Courtney Stodden, the illicit teen made lawful only through marriage, that she will somehow disappear and this land will somehow become wholesome and innocent once more, but, yeah, that isn't going to happen. Cause there are also those of you who want to see all the indecency Celebrityville has to offer, including young brides of old men soaping up their bra covered bosoms for the sake of an ounce of fame or two-point-five ounces of gold in licensing fees, or thereabouts. There's just something about a train wreck that is hard to turn away from, even if you're not rooting for it obviously in the first place.

So, check out the latest incarnation of teen debauchery, if you like, or don't if you don't, while we ultimately prepare for a couple months from now when Courtney turns 18, at least on paper, God knows how old she really is now, and then all the remaining rules of society shall be cast aside and who knows what comes next. Enjoy.

WHEN BUNNIES GO HORRIBLY HORRIBLY NAUGHTy 

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Petra Nemcova smoking hot in black jeans is making my jeans move. (Celebslam)

Jenna Malone all kinds of leggy in a very short skirt. (HuffPo)

Kelly Rowland shows off her super toned body. (GossipOnThis)

Demi Lovato brings the sexy to a racy photo shoot. (Idolator)

60 sexy American athletes to keep eye on during the Olympics. (COED)

Jillian Michaels becomes an instant member of lesbionic MILF club. (FoxNews)

A hot business major who I wouldn't mind giving the business to. (CollegeHumor)

(When I get a chance to sit down with Maxim, I'm going to ask them to name 38 hotter women this year than Kate Upton. I mean, I know they listed 38 of them in their magazine, but I want them to say it out loud, with a straight face.)

Remember the supremely hot Beach Bunny Swimswear 'Bronze' Bikini photoshoot of Kate Upton we shared with you a few days ago -- I mean, given that it's forever tattooed on your libido matter, you probably do remember. Well, now, here's the behind the scenes video from the photoshoot, and it is equally amazing.

I wish I had grown up to be hottie model video director Yu Tsai instead of just You Suck, you know, as my dad used to yell at me when he watched my Little League games. Enjoy.

'MEMBER KATE UPTON'S BEACH BUNNY 'BRIDAL' BIKINI PHOTOS? WOW

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If we've said it once, we've said it exactly seventeen times before, one thing you can not take away from Audrina Patridge is her smoking hot bikini body, which has been on display much of the past month down Mexico ways, where we often plant our super secret grade school aged spies with cameras disguised as burros.

And, it has worked once again, with a delicious look at the wet and toned barely bikini clad body of this former reality star, turned, well, reality star, but mostly just a hot chick in a bikini at this point. And that's plenty fine. Enjoy.

Ah, outtakes. They're like what popcorn is to corn. What maple syrup is to maple trees. And what sex is to dating. The very best by-products refined down to the very best parts.

And for this week's midweek celebration of all things we would like to hold dearly in our hands, if not mouths for some of you naughty men out there, we turn to the luscious two-fers of Leah Francis, who was featured some time ago in the Nuts Big Boob Special, for reasons that completely pass us by at the moment, and, now, the outtakes. A ginormous fleshy delicious soothing visual suckle of all things boobtastic.

Mother Nature really is the most magnificent architect. Enjoy.

WHEN LEAH AND SOPHIE USED TO WORK TOGETHER, THE OUTCOME WAS SPECIAL

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