Egotastic
It’s one of those cardinal rules all gamers become insidiously aware of: games based on movies will suck ass. And suck it hard. It’s not quite an instant guarantee, but it’s certainly a safe assumption. There have been some real shockers born of the unholy union of movies and video games. (It’s all rather like inbreeding. The result of such never the twain shall meet shenanigans is generally a baby born with webbed toes, a small goatee and a body like the Elephant Man. He’ll probably throw up on you immediately as the midwife hands him over. And then shit. That’s the kind of evil that results from this.) Intriguingly, this phenomenon also works in reverse. Terrible German director Uwe Boll achieved worldwide notoriety for a series of the most hellish pieces of crap ever committed to celluloid. BloodRayne, Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead were all sadistically mutilated by this farcical film-maker’s vision. As far as pleasant methods to while away a couple of hours go, a lengthy scrotal-acupuncture session (with broadswords) would be more gratifying. Followed by a sulphuric acid enema.
In short, then, such tie-ins aren’t pretty propositions. I’m saving some of the really dire creations for later in this series. For now, I’d like to introduce one of a meagre selection of quality movie-based games. Step forward, Star Wars: Rogue Leader.
This Gamecube launch title was the sequel to N64 and PC’s Rogue Squadron, and thrusts you into popular set-pieces from the original trilogy. There’s nary a whiff of the later toxic tossbag triumvirate, so there will be no moronic jabbering from Jar Jar Binks here. (Much as I’d like to reduce the fool to a quivering pile of gore and general squelching viscera with one of Rogue Leader’s high-powered laser cannons, I can’t help but count this as a blessing.) The game is a series of missions, starting with perhaps the greatest scene in the franchise. To begin, you’ll take the role of Luke Skywalker as he tries to resist laughing idiotically to himself at the sexual euphemism of thrusting a photon torpedo straight into the Death Star’s exhaust port. (He had planned to call Miss Death Star again after this, then recalled she would be a smouldering wreckage by that point. Additionally, Darth Vader would have been far too busy being majorly pissed/conjuring up notions of tyrannical vengeance methods to answer. As we know, Luke Skywalker says humongous festering monkey balls to voicemail.) From here, you’ll take on those Star Destroyers in your Y-wing, and trundle amongst the frozen flora and fauna of Hoth. Tripping the lumbering walkers with the tow cable of a Snowspeeder is my personal highlight. I delighted in this Wile. E Coyote approach to problem-solving while watching the movie, so performing it later was a lot of fun. It all just shows the great faith to the source material. Everything is punctuated by cutscenes from the trilogy, just enough to bolster the experience and never proving excessive or intrusive.
Indiana Jones, Han Solo, And Manliness
Indiana Jones and Han Solo. Two characters, one actor, and the heroes of an entire generation of men. Harrison Ford's portrayal of the Nazi melting archaeologist and arrogant but lovable smuggler influenced Gen-Xers and Gen-Yers in very deep ways. As boys, we were looking around for someone to teach us how to be men. Some of us had wonderful fathers, grandfathers, and uncles that filled these roles. The rest of us had absent dads and looked around for someone to show us how to swing the dong, (metaphorically). Star Wars and The Indiana Jones films were HUGE when I was a kid. I look around at the men of my generation who are adults now, many with sons of their own, and I see traces of Dr. Jones and Han. Just like the film left on the toilet bowl after a bachelor party.
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