Katie Holmes Gives Birth to Tom Cruise’s Alien Baby

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According to People magazine, Katie Holmes has finally given birth to the evil spawn of that tool we all know as Tom Cruise.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have welcomed their first child together, two inside sources have told PEOPLE.

No other details are immediately available.

As for marriage, Cruise and Holmes plan to tie the knot soon, Cruise said on the German TV program Wetten, dass..? on April 1. "In summer we want to get married. I won't let this woman get away."

In this case, "no other details" refers not to the gendre of the child, but rather to the species. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they gave birth to a basketball, after seeing Katie Holmes' ridiculously large and round stomach. And of course, by "wont't let this woman get away," Cruise really means he will never let her be free to tell the world the true origins of their space baby.

Update: Reuters reports that the "child" is a girl named Suri.

Mother and child, who weighed in at 7 pounds, 7 ounces (3.4 kg) at birth, were "doing well," Cruise's publicist, Paul Bloch, said in a statement.

The name Suri has it origins in Hebrew, meaning "princess," or in Persian, meaning "red rose," the statement said.

What, you thought they'd pick a normal name? Oh, and still no word on whether or not Tom Cruise ate the placenta.